March 9th, 2013
Snowstorm In Chicago Delays
Hundreds Of Morning Murders
Reprinted from theonion.com.
In this season of storms, perhaps we should label this as "dark humor" or "deep satire"! It is not meant, it should be noted, to intentionally marginalize homicides, anywhere.
CHICAGO --The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced. "As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,"
Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. "Unfortunately, we're backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon." At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago's South Side.
Refer to the "Sandy Hook Index" for an archive collection of valuable material we have shown since the events at the Newtown Elementary School.
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